i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize