I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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