I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
