I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
