The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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