Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
