you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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