I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
