i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
