I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
