I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
