Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
