I think im going to throw up on grandma
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
