i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
