Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
