Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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