I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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