Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
