I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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