hotel room ftw
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
