i just sent this text using only my big toe
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
