If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
