The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
