Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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