This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
