If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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