wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
