I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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