I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
