So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
