the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize