I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
