The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
