True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
