That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
