Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
