The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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