I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
