I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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