Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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