No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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