A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
