i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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