just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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