i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
