life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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