The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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