Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
