Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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