It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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