508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
