New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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