you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
