I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize