i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
