So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
