It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
