Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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