I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
