im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
