I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
